Listen for Feelings: An Important Parenting Skill
Many of us are not aware of our own feeling states and we struggle to identify the feelings of others, as well. We were not raised in families where feelings were discussed or even acknowledged.
Making an effort to listen to your child’s feelings will help your child feel loved and understood. It will also help them learn the important skill of managing their own feelings better, which therapists call emotional regulation.
Much of my work as a therapist is focused on this very important skill -- tuning in to oneself, one’s partner, or one’s child and trying to determine what our loved one is feeling. So, the next time your child is expressing a feeling, take a moment to shift your focus on what your child is expressing, instead of what they are saying.
The following tips will help you when you are “listening for feelings”:
What feelings are you noticing? Happiness, anger, worry, sadness, disappointment, frustration, jealousy? Help your child by labeling their feelings and asking if you are correct. You can say something like, “You seem sad. Is that right?”
Validate your child’s feelings and offer help to manage the feeling. “I see that you are getting frustrated with your math homework. Why don’t you take a break and come back to it?”
Negotiate if it feels right. Remember that negotiation is an important relationship skill and know that many parents and their children struggle with it. It’s ok to give up a little of your parental power. “I know you want to see you your friends today, but we have to clean the house. Let’s talk about it and maybe we can come up with a solution that works for both of us.”
Respond clearly and concisely. “Let’s get your homework done first and afterwards, you can see your friends.”
Check in with your child by asking them about their feelings on a regular basis. Ask them to tell you the “good news” and the “bad news” of their day, or the “highlight” and the “lowlight”. This helps make it feel safer to talk and puts your child in control of what they share. This will help both of you get more comfortable discussing hard topics over time.
If your child is not yet able to articulate their feelings or says “I don’t know” or some other short answer, ask them to rate their day on a scale from 0-10, with 0 being the worst and 10 being the best. This is a quick way to assess fluctuations from day to day and also to help your child improve their own self-awareness. You can take this a step further and ask them if they want to talk about it or why they chose that rating. If they have had a bad day, they may not be ready to right at that moment to discuss it, but let them know you are there to listen when they are ready.
Keep in mind that this is a tough parenting skill to learn but keep at it! Your effort will pay off with more understanding in your family and your child will learn to regulate their own emotions better.
If your teen is struggling to articulate their feelings, teen therapy can help. Reach out to us for more information.
